More Equitable Chore Sharing--A First Dispatch from the Front

A few days ago I started setting the table for dinner before we headed out to martial arts.  I was feeling a little stressed about getting us out the door on time, and Bridger noticed.  He offered, "Can I help you set the table?"  Cassidy got very upset and said, "No, no, only I do it, I do it!" and started yanking off the silverware he'd set down so she could re-do the job.  

One challenge, I'm realizing, in getting the kids to share chores more equitably will be to reassure Cass that her place as a good helper is not being usurped if Bridger helps, too.  When Cass helps me, I've often thanked her for helping and told her how much I enjoy working with her, and at times, she's commented, "Bridger doesn't help."  I've tried to point out ways he does help, while acknowledging that she often does help more readily and volunteer more.  I'm realizing that Cass may have started defining herself as The Helpful One and drawing a sense of worth and security from that, so I can see why it might have been threatening for her when Bridger pitched in spontaneously.

I think it is very easy for kids (and parents) to fall into defining children by how they are different from their siblings, making it hard for kids to break out of set roles (i.e, one's the pretty one, one's the smart one; one kid's the good kid, the other the troublemaker).  I think it's also easy for kids to start defining their lovability by how well they fill gaps they think their siblings can't or don't fill--as in the child who takes on the role of being a parent's support person and confidante, or the child who tries to be extra-good, stifling their own spirit, to make up for a "naughty" sibling.  

I want my kids to know that they can both be whatever they want, no matter what their sibling does or doesn't do.  They can BOTH be athletic, BOTH be thoughtful and smart, BOTH be attractive, BOTH be sensitive, BOTH be strong, BOTH get angry or sad, BOTH be imperfect, and BOTH be lovable, each in their own ways--beyond comparison.