Yesterday was a beautiful day, but the kids weren't enthused about playing outside. I was feeling restless and stir-crazy, and then my daughter started getting freaky and shrieky under the dining room table after I didn't understand right away that she needed help washing off some paintbrushes.
I said loudly, "That's it! I have GOT to get outside. I can't take this any more" or something to that effect.
My daughter immediately stopped crying and said, "I'll go with you!" in an anxious voice. She went and got her coat and pasted on her "Look, see, I'm happy now" fake smile complete with ingratiating eye crinkles.
I feel so awful when I see her snap out of her emotions that way--not because she's ready, but out of what looks to me like a fear of displeasing me. I think of the cold way my grandmother probably reacted to my very emotional mom when she was a curly-haired little three-year-old, and how now, in her sixties, my mom still gets so mad at herself when she loses control of her emotions. I think of how a mere displeased arch of my mom's eyebrow made me scramble to shape up and get back in her good graces. I think of the words from her that scared me most: "I'm very disappointed in you," and how hard I worked to be a good girl, even when it meant not being true to myself.
I don't want to pass down my family's heritage of repressing emotions to please other people. Today, I'm trying to figure out a big question: how can I remember to take care of myself so that I don't expect my daughter to do it for me? How can I be strong enough to help her cope with her big 3 1/2-year-old emotions instead of telling her "I can't handle this"?
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