Support

Today we went to Wood Lake Nature Center in Richfield, MN with a small group of families we see just about every Thursday. It was warm out by recent standards, about 27 degrees, and gray and misty, with a hint of frost on the trees--very beautiful weather.

Bridger and Cassidy tried cross-country skiing for the first time, and they both did great, falling down a fair amount but picking themselves up with aplomb. They really got the rhythm of the skiing much faster than I expected them to. What fun for them to already be doing something I didn't learn until I was in my mid-twenties! At first Cassidy didn't want to ski and just wanted to walk, but after watching Bridger, she decided she wanted to try. I was happy that Bridger felt comfortable enough with one of the other mothers to ski off with her rather than going back with us to the nature center to rent skis for Cass. I was actually glad he was doing his maiden ski voyage with someone else--sometimes it is easier for us both if he learns new, potentially frustrating things with a more neutral person.

He made it two times around a short loop course, and Cassidy did a whole loop on skis, too. I could tell they felt so proud of themselves, and I was thrilled to share a sport with them that I love. "You can do cross-country skiing even when you're a little old lady!" I told Cassidy as she scooted along the track. Nature, time with friends, and a sport you can do for a lifetime--now that's what I call Physical Education.

It sure has taken me a long time to find a group of homeschooling families that both my children and I can feel at home with, so a day like today feels like a real gift. When Bridger was three and Cassidy just a baby, I started out with a homeschooling support group that was a spin-off of a much larger, general homeschooling organization, but our family never really clicked with that group. There were times, when Bridger was clinging to me at the group's park days, refusing to play with the other kids, whining to leave, that I really despaired of finding a community that would work for us. Now I wonder why I was in such a hurry, young as my kids were. I was just so afraid of becoming isolated as a homeschooler.

When Bridger was four, we connected with a group with a more specific focus on mindful parenting, attachment parenting, and nonviolent communication, a group that emphasized playing in natural areas rather than manmade playgrounds, and not only did I immediately enjoy and feel comfortable with the other mothers, but Bridger and Cassidy actually enjoyed many of the other kids in the group. It was easier for Bridger to jump into group play in the woods than on a playground, I realized. It was the most wonderful feeling to finally have found a good fit, and though that group actually imploded pretty soon after we'd joined, some of the members branched off into a new group, so our family was able to keep enjoying their company. Then that group got superbig this summer, to the point of chaos, so a small group of us branched off once again. We're committed to keeping this group small, so we can get to know each other well and really foster a sense of intimacy and security.

I do still go sometimes to a larger homeschooling group that's open to new members and includes many of the people from our old, bigger group--I do think it's important that wide-open, messily huge groups like that are out there, so that new people can get help finding their tribe. But I think there's also a place for a small group of people to decide they want to put more energy into getting to know a few people really well rather than having to put energy into getting to know new people every single week. If I had one bit of homeschooling "advice" to offer when it comes to play groups, I'd say this: trust your gut. If you and your kids aren't having fun, if you aren't able to relax and fearlessly be yourself, don't feel you have to settle. There are so many communities out there. If you keep looking, and really clarify what you are looking for in your own mind, chances are good you'll be able to find it. It may be in the homeschooling community, it may be through volunteering with your kids somewhere, it may be at the role-playing games group your Dungeons and Dragons-loving kid drags you to and where you end up having a blast. Wherever it is, it's out there if you're willing to admit you want it and if you trust that you are deserving of a community where you feel at home.

The four-year-old son of one of the members of our smaller group has just been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes, and our group has kicked in to offer what support we can. A few days ago, the two older kids went over to another family's house while their brother was still in the hospital recovering from dangerously elevated blood-sugar levels. Yesterday, I dropped off dinner, some flowers, and a box of calming tea varieties for their mother on their front porch, and today I picked up the two older kids so they could join our group ski outing. On Monday, another mother from the group is bringing over dinner for the family. I'm sure this is just the beginning of the support we'll need to offer, and that there will be other challenges for the rest of us, as the years go on, when we'll be the ones getting the casseroles dropped off at our doors. I am so profoundly grateful to get to rely on this group of friends, and to be able to be relied on in turn, and I am in awe at the twisty roads that led us all to each other.